Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
