so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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