I think scott just propositioned me for sex
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
