Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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