Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
