I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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