So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
