I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
