and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize