I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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