if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
