Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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