i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
