Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
