is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.