I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.