the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.