Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
