Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
