I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
