I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
