gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize