The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
