Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize