There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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