Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
