Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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