He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
