just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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