i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
