Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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