when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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