In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
