No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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