i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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