She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize