if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
