i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
