i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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