Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
