somebody snuck up and got me drunk
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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