WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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