I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
