spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
