I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
