Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
