So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
