If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
