How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
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