tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
