he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
