i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
