I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Randomize
