Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
