Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
