he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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