You're completely useless in the revolution.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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