How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
